I still can't eat. I tried to eat a little toast this morning and it went through me in less than five minutes. The symptoms are starting to pile up. I'm experiencing numbness in my extremities and, just when I woke up from my last nap, I noticed my right breast was extremely tender. An old symptom from about a year ago has resurfaced: my right breast is secreting blood. It's not good. It could be nothing like last time and go away on it's own but, when you're me, bloody boob always equals cancer of the everything.
It's hard not to get freaked out. I've spent a lot of this last year being sick. I'm sure the stress from family and friends isn't helping much. One of the most frustrating things about not being able to keep anything down is that I've had to stop taking all my pills. It's amazing how quickly all my work gets undone. Three days without stuffing myself full of chemical crap and the little softness I'd gained disappears only to be replaced with the hard, stiff muscular form that is my natural state. It's hard to forget that, when I look in the mirror, this reemerging male form is the real me. I can scream to the hills that I'm trans all I want but, at the end of the day, hormone therapy is just a choice, a way of coping with something that the world won't understand or accept. I'm part of the world, after all. I can't accept this, can't reconcile it. I look in the mirror and all I see is a rapidly aging and extremely unhealthy man.
My brain can tell me whatever it likes but it's hard to refute the facts at hand. No job, no money, no family, square jaw, strong arms, wide shoulders, narrow hips, big feet, big nose, protruding brow. You're a man, asshole. Just stop this foolishness. Don't you see where it's gotten you? You're constantly sick, nobody wants anything to do with you, and, to society, you're nothing more than a punchline.
I got a letter from someone I graduated high school with. He sent it to everyone we graduated with, I guess. It's all about how we're all about to turn thirty and how he's a financial adviser. He talks about how he's sure we all have jobs, families of our own, and are paying off houses that we live in. I don't have any of those things. I've been unemployed for nearly a year with no prospects in sight, I can't have a family, and I live with my parents despite the fact that, yes, I am about to turn thirty and, oh yeah, my parents fucking hate me.
I feel like my worst fears are about to be realized. I'm going to die a man that nobody loves. A man who accomplished nothing. I'm going to die a man. Nothing could ever be worse.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
10 comments:
The fact that he needs to spam his former classmates would suggest that he is either a) in desperate need of clients or b) in desperate need of self-validation. Reminds me of how Jaques Villeneuve claimed that everybody who wasn't a millionaire before thirty was a failure, which just showed how much he understood about economics.
For your information, when I turned 30 I was living on unemployment benefits, never had permanent job and was sharing a small flat with four other people. When my cat got ill I could not find money to pay the vet. Two months later I got a phone call out of the blue with a well-paying job offer from someone who had seen my fan art. So never forget that luck is around the corner when you least expect it.
Oh, and promise me you'll see the doctor first time Monday morning, ok?
Lily-
Hi from little me in Connecticut.
I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible about everything, all that you're dealing with sounds horribly frustrating and awful. There is of course nothing *I* (a random nobody to you out in internet-land) can say to you that will help you to feel better. I would never be so presumptive to think that I could help, but I just want to reach out to you in the only way I can.
I've been checking out your blog a lot because I find you inspiring and interesting (not because you're trans, but because you're you, and your personality ROCKS). All I can do is tell you that I can hear you, and I am thinking about you and wishing that things will start to look up for you soon. Also, I think your perception of yourself is going to naturally be worse than you appear to others (for what that's worth - ?). You are VERY pretty. Hopefully at least sometimes you'll be able to see that when you look in the mirror.
-Your caring stranger friend who also digs "The Snowman". I never knew of anyone before who even heard of it.
Andrea
P.S. And what Luka said about that guy - SO right on with A&B.
Looking over what I've written below, I realize it may come off as either smug or a cheap pick-up line, but please know neither is my intention.
You're a creative, intelligent human being. To me there is no more beautiful thing in this world, far as I can tell. And whether you've been brain-washed by all the impossible-to-be media-twisted feminine ideals out there, or are just blind or way too modest, I'm not sure. But you are pretty as well. As a fellow overly introspective, socially-phobic, trans Buffaholic, I can only call it like I see it, even though it will probably not mean a lot coming from a complete stranger: you aren't and never were a man, regardless of what others tell you or how you feel during periods of self-doubt that we all experience. Loneliness and hard times may make you question that and test your will beyond anything you've ever experienced, but, speaking as a survivor of similar experiences, I believe you can and will overcome and thrive.
In the meantime, as Luka suggests, get your ass to the doctor, pronto! And then keep your beautiful words and videos coming - they help more of us out here in the ether than you probably know.
Peace and harmony,
Dana
Hi Lily
Long time reader, first time commenter.........
1. Ditto what everyone else has said.
2. I identify with you so much and will help you any way I can. Anytime.
3. I would trade places with you right now. You have the advantage of youth and you have no idea how much that counts when you finally transition for real, to full time, and eventually, your new life.
4. I am clinically , certified manic-depressive and I can say honestly that I know what hopelessness feels like. It seems like a black hole of no escape but we eventually return to a "normal" state of mind. So try not to lose all hope.
5. I had the house(s), cars, friends, life, and now I am alone with my clothes, and my 29 year old car. I miss some of it but trust me, things will get better. I have to believe that to say it to you because it applies to me as well.
Feel better soon.
My heart goes out to you.
julia13mitchell@yahoo.com
Rest easy, Julia M
Everyone here has said what I was going to - so all I can say it "please, listen to your friends!". PLEASE see a doctor & let them help you sort this out.
And never let the shell obscure the soul. One of life's journeys is bringing the inside out.. realizing who we are and more fully becoming ourselves.
You are WHO you are. Not "what" you are. Let your inner light shine through & you will transform the shell.
..and don't worry about dying "a man"
...worry ABOUT DYING! See a doctor, girl! Please! We're worried about you.
Get this handled & everything else can be sorted out.
Please hang in there and see a doctor! Fuck your snobby classmates.
Hun, its always darkest before it gets better, and you're so young and cute!
Amanda
please move out! No one can thrive in a toxic hateful environment. As someone who has been homeless for a short time, homelessness sux but is much better than being around people who dont like who you are. I know you have no money, but you're obviously a smart & awesome girl. Get a credit card if you can, and reach out to your wonderful readers. I would let you couchsurf for a while if I didn't have a roommate. Find someone (female and/or trans) who is willng to help you out. Move someplace like San Fran, Portland, or Seattle (not the suburbs) where being trans isn't such a barrier to friends, employment, and happiness. It's often even a bonus. If you can borrow or scrape up $2k, you can make your life better than you can imagine right now.
This may not be the "safe" advice, but only go to the doctor if it's stopping you from changing this horrible environment. You don't need worthless doctors bills complicating everything. That said, going to a psychiatrist was the catalyst I needed to make chantes and turn from the edge of suicide to an awesome, supportive group of friends and job.
If you wind up in Seattle (affordable and great progressive & accepting people!) I'd be stoked to hang out with you. If you need someone to talk to on aim or email, etc, let me know!
If you're e
Sorry for the bad spelling & double post, on my iphone!
I hear ya on the combination of illness and emotional illness/depression problems.
Lately I too have been having thouhts of dying soon. Well I have had them most of my life, but they have been more pronounced recently. It can be exhausting, getting will together, making sure people are paid. Atleast suicidal thought happen less at that time.
I am too alone, and probably will stay that way. But its better to be alone than in a bad relationship Although I can't imagine my family hating me, and especially you. You seem so wonderful. But relationships can be extremely weird.
I think you need to get out of the house more. Even for a little while which I know is even more difficult when your sick. But just my opinion. Its too bad your not closer you could've moved into my old roomate/renters room. Fully furnished and everything. I could of softened you up with cheese curds and brats. hey if you want to come to green bay its here. A trade of Brett Favre for Bitsy sounds good to me.
I wouldn't worry what your old classmate says, it seems the more people boast about posessions and such, especially people they haven't seen in a while, the more likely it is a house of cards waiting to fall. Close to when I turned 30 (26,27) I was living at home on unemployment. But now 6 yrs later I me and the bank own a house, no debt. well car and bank, and I got my own business. Maybe you should start your own business.
As far as looking and feeling "manly". When you aren't able to eat or keep any fluids down your going to get superdehydrated and everything gets more defined. I am a little scared with the bleeding boob thing. Are you sure you didn't read a little too much into buffy and bore the son of satin or something.
I will be thinking and hoping the best for you. And I hope for the best birthday ever for you. Take care.
Post a Comment