second verse, same as the first

New year, same old miserable life. Were you hoping for some positivity, hopes, joy? Sorry, I'm fresh out. A got an incurable case of bitterness along with the Crohn's. Imagine that. Can't transition, can't get a job, lay around in bed most of the time hoping I'll get my disease into remission for more than a week or two... I'm not exactly the picture of a happy person.

I want to share something with you. I had this span of a few weeks where things were the way they were before I started confronting my gender dysphoria, before I got sick. In the weeks just prior to the holidays I kept getting invited to parties, events, get togethers, or just one on one hangouts. Something odd happened. I was having fun wherever I went and, at least it seemed to me, that I made other people feel the fun too. It was like old times. Women wanted me, men wanted to be me. If I were a man, you know... that would have been super awesome. For old time's sake though I figured I may as well let my life be simple again and it was. It really, really was. I didn't even feel the dysphoria one bit for a while.

I met a nice girl who I'm pretty sure was interested in me. The internet, uh, sucks though because yeah... I'm pretty sure she discovered the unfortunate reality about who I am in all my complicated glory. I sincerely wish she hadn't but, deep down, I know it was good that she had.

I imagined a life with her (well, with anyone to be honest). I imagined a life where I was married, had kids in the yard, a nice job, you know... normal stuff and, for a second, I wanted it. I just wanted things to be simple. I sent that girl an email saying I hoped we could hang out again sometime. While I waited for a response two happened: a had another flare up of my crohn's and the dysphoria came rushing back. Then, when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, she writes me a two sentence email basically saying she has no room in her life for me. Rejected. Great.

Who was I kidding though, really? I will never have that life. I will always be alone and, with everything else, that has become the last straw. I hate being jobless. I hate having a family who will not accept me. I hate being diseased to the point that I am physically incapable of transitioning to my appropriate gender identity. What I hate most of all though is that I must endure all of this alone. I will never have that one person there to support me through the bad times. I'm just too bizarre. Who would ever want to deal with my shit?

I just... I want someone to love and be loved by but that person doesn't exist. My life just feels empty and meaningless. It would have been nice to have managed even one goal, one desire, one dream this year but I've managed nothing and, as a result, I feel like I am nothing.

The New Year's party I went to was nice. That's something. I won't pretend to really know what 2009 will be like. It's just hard to hope for anything, you know?