New year, same old miserable life. Were you hoping for some positivity, hopes, joy? Sorry, I'm fresh out. A got an incurable case of bitterness along with the Crohn's. Imagine that. Can't transition, can't get a job, lay around in bed most of the time hoping I'll get my disease into remission for more than a week or two... I'm not exactly the picture of a happy person.
I want to share something with you. I had this span of a few weeks where things were the way they were before I started confronting my gender dysphoria, before I got sick. In the weeks just prior to the holidays I kept getting invited to parties, events, get togethers, or just one on one hangouts. Something odd happened. I was having fun wherever I went and, at least it seemed to me, that I made other people feel the fun too. It was like old times. Women wanted me, men wanted to be me. If I were a man, you know... that would have been super awesome. For old time's sake though I figured I may as well let my life be simple again and it was. It really, really was. I didn't even feel the dysphoria one bit for a while.
I met a nice girl who I'm pretty sure was interested in me. The internet, uh, sucks though because yeah... I'm pretty sure she discovered the unfortunate reality about who I am in all my complicated glory. I sincerely wish she hadn't but, deep down, I know it was good that she had.
I imagined a life with her (well, with anyone to be honest). I imagined a life where I was married, had kids in the yard, a nice job, you know... normal stuff and, for a second, I wanted it. I just wanted things to be simple. I sent that girl an email saying I hoped we could hang out again sometime. While I waited for a response two happened: a had another flare up of my crohn's and the dysphoria came rushing back. Then, when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, she writes me a two sentence email basically saying she has no room in her life for me. Rejected. Great.
Who was I kidding though, really? I will never have that life. I will always be alone and, with everything else, that has become the last straw. I hate being jobless. I hate having a family who will not accept me. I hate being diseased to the point that I am physically incapable of transitioning to my appropriate gender identity. What I hate most of all though is that I must endure all of this alone. I will never have that one person there to support me through the bad times. I'm just too bizarre. Who would ever want to deal with my shit?
I just... I want someone to love and be loved by but that person doesn't exist. My life just feels empty and meaningless. It would have been nice to have managed even one goal, one desire, one dream this year but I've managed nothing and, as a result, I feel like I am nothing.
The New Year's party I went to was nice. That's something. I won't pretend to really know what 2009 will be like. It's just hard to hope for anything, you know?
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When you are fighting the battles you are fighting it's easy to think that the grass is always greener, etc.. Yet we both know that person isn't you and if it's not you even though the illusion of happiness is there it would eat a hole in that beautiful soul I've come to know and love from your writing!
My hopes are that if you can hang on for even a few months things will start to change on the health front, whether it's being able to access more and better treatment, the ability to find a job that won't reject you simply because they don't want you in their insurance pool, or you not having to worry about how your care is being paid for. I can't imagine not having some kind of coverage in this country right now! There ought to be a law...
Perhaps the big dreams take longer to come to fruition! Maybe the planning shouldn't be over a year but over an arc of several. I know it's hard to be patient, especially when you feel the world spinning merrily away while you look on, but the end result will be your sanity and your happiness and I have no doubt the happiness of many others! Please don't give up!
Never say never...I said I'd never live to see 21...I even tried to make sure of it a few times...
Now at 53 I look back and think "Wow"!
I'd have sure missed a lot!
It's not that I don't have regrets, or that I haven't made mistakes, but it's been one helluva ride and I'm glad I was here for it despite "busting my buns" a few times!
So, though neither of us knows what lies ahead, Happy New Year to you!
May it somehow bring you peace, joy and happiness!
alan
Perhaps when those worries are no longer worries then the health issues themselves will ease just due to less stress!
I thk about you every day and pray that your world will get better. I will always be here to help in any way I can. You're a beautiful girl with a sweet soul and I just know that good things will come your way. Best wishes all of this new year and know that we all will be here for you.
love,
Julia
Girl? Party? *GIRL*?
Oh my Lord you BETTER keep hiding from me because you are in such a world of trouble right now I can actually see a storm-system forming over your house in spirals from here.
To think I started watching BUFFY for you!! I feel so misled! Not about Buffy, obviously that's actually quite entertaining - the banter is really well written. And who knew that the late 90s would have dated so quickly? Wait. What?
... You! Spirals!
*Trouble*!!
It looks like we're both very ambitious people.
You want to be healthy, to be in a better environment, to have a job, and someone to come home to at the end of the day.
I want to finish my bachelor's that I just started so I can start about two extra years of pre-requisites before I can finally get my ass off to the Caribbean to go to med school.
Both of our plans require something we don't have much of: patience. Easier said than done, yes, but it's still required.
When there's a will, there's a way. Life can definitely be unfair, but there's always a way around its obstacles.
Well its nice to see you posted a blog even if it is so dreary. I hope this year goes better for you. Your such a wonderfully unique person. I hate to see you unhappy and uninspired.
I predict it will get better, just dont hold me to it.
good luck.
Still thinking about you everyday.
Love,
Julia
Hey, how's it going? I've been watching your youtube vids for a few months off and on, and just found your blog here today - devastated at the news, and hope you get to feel better real quick.
You've got a good bunch of friends and fellow-travellers here, and many of us have been through a bit of thick and thin ourselves, so you make sure you hang in there, and post a bit of something, even if it's only a picture of your radiant smile and mischievous eyes, when you can.
Life throws some sonofabitch spanners in the works sometimes. I think you're being treated foully at work from what you say, but you do what you have to. The only truth I can give you, is that if you do ever decide to transition, once it's over and done with, life does get back to normal, and a new life beckons. So don't think transition means ostracism and permanent unemployability - that's a fate you have to work *considerably* harder at!
Hang in there girl,
Sarah
Hi there -- you don't know me, but someone sent me a link to your youtube channel and to the transponder interview you recently gave.
I am hoping you see this, because I'd love to get in touch with you and talk to you about your situation. I'm a trans woman (I live in NJ and work in NYC) who was able to transition four years ago despite having had a pretty severe case of Crohn's Disease since 1977, when I was 22 (many hospitalizations, surgeries, etc.). And despite having become violently ill -- to the point of a severe flareup of the crohn's -- when I tried taking spiro early in my medical transition. (No surprise -- it's a diuretic!!) So I have some definite ideas of what you might be able to try to do once you're in remission.
Please don't give up. I *know* there are ways to do this -- other anti-androgens, injected estrogen or patches rather than oral estrogen. An orchiectomy, which I had back in 2003 so I didn't have to take anti-androgens at all (and, no, it doesn't involve going inside your body at all, let alone anywhere near your intestines!)
I'm a moderator at the myhusbandbetty forums; that's one way of getting in touch with me. Or, if there's an email you could post, I could get in touch with you.
Donna
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