I promised a video update. I lied. Well, not lied so much as had the intention and then just didn't really have the opportunity. You have to understand that, now that I'm extremely ill, I have next to zero privacy. My mother walks through my door at least once an hour and, if she knew I made videos, I can't even begin to imagine how extreme her reaction would be. Sufficed to say I'd rather not find out. I'm just not strong enough to deal with her screaming at me on top of everything else. From where you're sitting it probably seems impossible that a mother would continue to deny her child the right to live the way they feel comfortable given the circumstances. All I can tell you is that my mother is possessed of very strong convictions and nothing in this world can change them.
I do want you to know know what's happening. I really appreciate that any of you take the time to care about me at all. There isn't much news to report. I went to the gastrointerologist on Monday. He thinks that, given all the evidence, I almost definitely have Chron's. I have an upper endoscopy and an colonoscopy scheduled for Friday. From the biopsy they remove a more formal diagnosis can be made.
It's important to remember that Chron's has a very broad spectrum. We don't know yet just how severe a case I might have. All I can tell you is that I'm still nauseous, still having *ahem* trouble digesting, and that I can only eat very light and bland foods. I've lost a lot of weight and it's a struggle for me to not lose more. It would seem I'm fighting a losing battle.
I want to write more but I can't. I wrote something like ten more paragraphs but they were angry, sullen, and ridiculously melodramatic. Sometimes I feel hopeful but that has become increasingly rare. I'm trying but it's hard. I wish I could move out but I'm so sick that I need near constant supervision. Why can't my mother just understand that I'm trans? Why can't she just try? Doesn't she understand that her stubbroness is literally killing me? Alright. That's more melodrama. I mean, I think it's also true but what's the point of going down this road? I've fought with her for my whole life. I should have moved out while I still had my health. Now I'm a prisoner. I swear if I somehow manage to get well the first thing I'm doing is leaving this place.
So... anyone have a couch I could crash on?
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9 comments:
Maybe that's the thing to hold on to & fixate on... get the Chrons & the stress managed, then you'll be healthy enough to get out of your stifling situation. The positive effects could snowball as much as the negatives already have. Who knows, maybe when your mom realizes you're independent & she has no one to be dysfunctional with, she may even mellow (a bit) to keep the lines of communication open. ..and you can make sure they're on YOUR terms this time. Just imagine how satisfying that would feel.. and hold onto that feeling. Rest. Heal. Reclaim your life & find your joy. Sound like a plan?
First, you only have an obligation to your own wellbeing, not to keep us entertained. Save your strength and post when you feel up to it, not before.
Second, wouldn't it be possible to get a lock on the door? Sometimes that's the only way to get some much needed privacy (failing that, a horse's head in your mother's bed should also do the trick).
Third, moving out absolutely sounds like the right thing to do. My couch is on the wrong side of the planet but I hope you'll find one in your area. I do however have 1046 episodes of Dr Who in case you're feeling bored. If there's anything else we can do to help, please let us know.
Hey Lily,
My boyfriend's brother has Crohn's, and here & there has difficulty with it, but 95% of the time is perfectly fine. Heathercam & luka have some wonderful points of view on your situation.
I really wish I had room for ya here in CT, we could have a girly PJ party (I love those, is it just me?) and you could introduce me to Buffy, for I am unaware of the wonders that abound in Buffy-land.
Your hair is GREAT! it must be nice to have naturally curly/wavy hair like that. I have stick-straight hair that I have to talk sweetly to & coax patiently into the subtlest of waves. *sigh*
Take care,
Andrea
My heart goes out to you ,dear. You don't need the abuse on top of being ill. Your friends are behind you all of the way.
Julia.
I know you are sick but you look FABULOUS!
One day at a time, hon. Right now, all you need to be concentrating on is, well, resting.
Once your physical health improves (by getting your Crohn's under control), you can work on your mental health (by moving out).
If your mum walks in on you making a video just calmly explain that since you are getting sick from being in a non-accepting, stressful environment, you have had to resort to making Internet porn so you can afford to move out.
After the heart-attack, dispose of the body, and bang! All your problems solved.
God I'm helpful. I'm totally going for that GLBT help-line job tomorrow.
No, seriously though, all you need to focus on right now is commenting on my blog. Wait. What? Er... I mean, all you need to focus on right now is staying calm enough for your body to go into remission - and it *will* happen sooner or later. All other problems - your mom, a job, a new place to live, having your sexy hair properly appreciated by the youtube masses, stealing David Tennant back from my vice-like grip - can wait.
You have probably already discovered these resources or better ones, but just in case (I'm a librarian; it's what I do), some online communities about living with Crohn's:
http://wearecrohns.org/
http://blog.healthtalk.com/life-with-crohns/kelly/
http://www.crohnsandme.com/
http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=17
Peace,
Dana
ps: we have a spare bedroom here (Albany, NY) if you ever find yourself in need of a place to crash.
Its easy to care about someone who seems to care about others.
I got a big fully furnished bdrm here in WI if you really want to gain some weight back and lay low. Plus a bunch of video games and video game systems. But I know a New Yorker would never move to WI.
Things will bet better eventually. I believe in you.
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