wag of the finger, tip of the hat

A recent curiosity turned into outrage over the absolutely vile behavior of some women on a particular forum that shall go nameless. It was bad enough that a fellow transwoman was being accused of being an impostor but, upon further examination, it seems that much of this entire site is dedicated to bashing on one's own kind. I had thought that the absolute humiliation we all experience would breed, you know, humility. Apparently though, some of our sisters in stealth seem to think that their shit doesn't stink.

Since when does anyone inside or outside of this community have the right to dictate how a transsexual woman should behave, what she should look like, think like, or be in any sense of the word? Since when did the word "success" become inexorably linked with something so arbitrary as passing? Some of us can't pass! Does that preclude us from the ability to be successful? I'm real sorry that I didn't come to terms with my identity until I was nearly thirty. I'm sorry I don't have a favorable bone structure or body type for transition. Even if I had thirty grand lying around I don't even know if I would opt for blowing all that money on FFS because, crazy me, I think there might be more to life than having a pretty face. I don't have a light sing songy voice and when I wear heels I have a tendency to fall flat on my ass. So what?

What really gets me though is that it's not simply the denial that one can be successful without being some charm school ninny, it's that the very right to be considered transsexual gets called into question. I saw someone referred to as a "glorified, full time crossdresser". Why? It was because her face was "manly". "Why didn't she get FFS?" so many wondered? Maybe it's because she feels confident when she looks in the mirror. Just because you think someone is all dude all the time doesn't mean they aren't perfectly happy with themselves.

This is why, even if I had a penny to my name, I'd be hard pressed to have much in the way of surgery. I'd like to not have a giant, pointy adam's apple and I'd like a shiny new vagingo. That's it. No muss, no fuss. Sure, anyone taking even a cursory glance at me would recommend breast augmentation, FFS, and who knows what else. The thing is, those surgeries wouldn't make me feel any better. My pain comes from the inside, from being abandoned by friends and family, from the years of denial and shame. Surgery won't make that go away. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a man stare back at me. It frustrates me that I get dirty looks, stares, and stifled laughter as I walk down the street or take the subway. What really hurts though is the damage already done. Even if I were gorgeous I would still be miserable because I hate myself. I blame myself for the unhappiness of others. I see myself as a failure not because I don't pass but because I'm too weak to try and make anything from myself by even taking one step out the front door.

If, one shiny day, I live in my own place, have full time work, am a full time girl, and lead a happy existence; only then will I consider additional surgeries. If I do it then I won't be doing it so I can feel normal or successful but simply because it's what I want and not what others expect of me. It's a scary world out there full of hardships and complications, the last thing we as a community should be doing is insulting each other and making up arbitrary rules for how to be a real transsexual. There are no rules. You are who you are and no one can take that away from you but yourself.

On a personal note: thanks to all of you in the blogosphere and on You Tube for being so kind. I'm so sorry if you wrote me and I haven't responded. I'm terribly depressed and unsure of how to take the next important steps in my life. I'm still here though for each and every one of you. You'll never receive anything but love and compassion here, no judgments.