I've been lost in thought for weeks, trying to sort out every little detail of my life and worrying about the lives of those around me. I lost a bunch of weight, moped around, and I found myself only flirting with the truth and never quite feeling the full warmth of its embrace. Who am I, after all, to know the face of truth when even the fibrous strands that hold my atoms together feel uncertain, as though they may, at any second, rip apart and scatter? My truth is that I am lost with no way of knowing which way is out. I shift my feet in the darkness hoping not to crash into something, fall into a ravine, or accidentally stalk into the cave of a beast, hungry for my tears and flesh.
My world used to be so bright, so full of people, anxious and energetic, wanting to share the spoils of whatever the world had to offer. I was part of so many beautiful somethings and someones. I felt full. There was just one tiny problem: my flesh did not conform to what my mind's eye knew it should. How can one reshape, transform, regenerate without losing all the beautiful somethings and someones? There's no choice in the end, not for the one whose shape shifts, only for the world around them. We change and the world also changes but not, I fear, always with us; and so it was with me that my world faded away so quickly that not even a single breath with which to plead it's company could pass my lips. All that light, all that beauty gone and I was left paralyzed and dumb mouthing only the word "why" between choked sobs.
Now everything is as shadows, no way to discern safety from danger. Even the kindest soul could be a monster in disguise yet I have been led to believe that it is I who is monstrous. I feel their stares like daggers, their laughter like hot fire, and their pity like ice in my veins. With nowhere left to hide I have only to wait until the throngs of angry people, of whom I once was numbered, finally grow weary of looking at my shameful form and tear me apart, piece by piece just slowly enough so that the agony will carry with me into oblivion.
Or should I save them the trouble? Is there no other safety but in death? Or will the light return as a soldier from a far off war in need of my bosom and my tender kisses? Do I dare to dream that there is something beyond this seemingly endless agony, this emptiness? How far can hope carry my heavy burden before even it leaves me?
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- Bitsy
- I'm awesome. For now, that's all you need to know.
6 comments:
Bitsy, while I can never truly know what your going thru, death is not the answer. I know it hurts. I struggle with suicidal depression myself, it isolates me from people in a lot of different ways. Well a lot of times I allow it to isolate myself. You can't give in. Fight it. Find places where you feel safe,(outside your house)and go there. You can beat this. Its always darkest before the light. Wow a lot of cliches. The answer is not death, unless the death is of your old morose feelings, insecurities, and helplessness. It can't be the answer. If you can't do it yourself find someone talk to someone. suicide prevention hotline is 1800273talk, heck you can talk to me. The world needs more people like yourself in it. Caring, honest, giving, funny, sincere, and willing to be herself.
It's a cliche, for sure, but there is always hope. I can say that with confidence because I was in an eerily similar state of mind to yours a few years ago, as I struggled with self-destruction and finding my way through an often blindingly painful and confusing and lonely transition. But I survived and am stronger for it. But none of us should ever have to do this alone. Please, please reach out to others in the TG community - it does help to just talk through things, get perspective from those who share similar experiences. I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but if you ever just want someone to listen, someone to ask anything, feel free to contact me (danahlongley at yahoo dot com).
Again, I don't know you, but I do feel the world would be a lesser place without you and your unique perspective and way with words (and a Buffy fan to boot). And from a purely selfish perspective, the trans community could use more intelligent, thoughtful voices like yours to make sure those that follow us down this crazy, freeing path, don't have to face such discrimination, misunderstanding, and culturally-imposed shame and rejection along the way.
Peace and harmony to you,
Dana
I feel like I've been (recently) in many of the same places you've been, and I'm serious, please e-mail me if you need to talk (economan12 at yahoo.com). I've had my share of tranny and personal drama over the last year, heck, I know you just think I'm some anonymous name on the intertubes, but I know what its like to be in your position.
Bitsy, these times can indeed be dark and difficult, as you're seeing first-hand. But believe me, there is no joy as great as finding your true self. Stay true to who you are, and do your best to ignore those around you that aren't supportive. They're only trying to bring you down to make themselves feel good. Oh, and I think you look marvelous!! Sorry I haven't said that before!! Feel free to chat me or email me, if you need to talk, ok?
I'm here for you, too, and you have my number.
I'll never forget the summer of 2001. I had just transitioned and things weren't going well for me. Conflicts with other people, as well as myself, were overwhelming me.
But I got through it. And today, I'm thankful I did. I have a lot going for me: I'm going back to school, I'm going to find a job here with my work experience, and I have lots of friends.
We're basically a train travelling in one long tunnel. Sometimes we slow down, but once we're out of the tunnel, the scenery will take your breath away.
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