Seems like these journal entries meant to coincide with my videos grow later and later. For the sake of habit, let's throw the video up here and then explore what wasn't said.
I'm warning you now, you are not going to like what I have to say. I hate that I even have to say it but, for now, this blog has become my best way to share what I'm feeling; especially when I have something difficult I'm struggling to cope with. You might have noticed that, for a girl who is facing some extra strength stress, I seemed oddly subdued, almost peaceful in my video. Oh, sure, my sadness was as plain as day but you probably found yourself wondering "Where's the breakdown?" or "How does she really feel? if only because I was a little too calm and accepting.
The truth is I, sensibly, waited a good while before recording that video. When everything first happened I was not quite so reasonable. I felt something I haven't felt in years: rage. I have to say that estrogen and testosterone blockers have done a world of good in that department. There may be a whole host of new emotions that wash over me nowadays but rage? That, uh, that one managed to fall far into the background. There used to be a time when rage was more or less all I ever felt.
You know my mother... she thinks if she pushes the girl down far enough that her little boy will resurface. The truth is that I nearly gave her the power to accomplish the first half. That little boy though? He's gone; never existed really. There's something else there though, something I tried so hard to forget.
You saw that new Batman movie, right? You know the guy with the scars and the makeup wearing the purple suit? He used to be my hero. I just deleted the rest of this paragraph. I hope you can understand. There's some madness that's best left unknown.
The point is that I scared myself, really scared myself. I felt certain impulses that should lie dormant. I thought I was over this. Without testosterone there oughtn't be wrathful aggression, right? When I look in the mirror though I see a dark and insidious reflection stare back at me just for an instant before it darts back into the deepest roots of my psyche.
I hope I'll be passed this in a few days time. For now I just need to stay goal oriented: job, money, move. I can only hope that, once I'm out of this house, some of these old demons will be gone for good.
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7 comments:
Rage can actually be a good thing. It made me get a therapist, and not long thereafter, I came out as TS.
I've also learned rather well how to control my anger. I am much better than I used to be.
It's normal to be afraid of emotions. They're as powerful as any weapon.
Demons are also an issue for me, even six years after my transition. Moving away from their triggers has helped quite a bit, but they still crop up occasionally.
Be strong girl.
I think this whole encounter will ultimately be good for you. You hate living at home and being unemployed, you could tell it was wearing on you. Well this could mark when you become you stronger and selfsufficient. Think of it as gaining power, plus think of all the material it will give you to joke about. You can do it. good luck.
I think people have to get to the brink before that "Ah-Ha" moment happens; with some they go over before this happens, others fortunately figure it out. Sounds like you're approaching that place.
Parents can be relentless with their criticisms and most don't back off, and this makes for problems. It's a difficult place to be: home life is holding you down, but finances are keeping you from moving on = Argh!!
A solution might be to find some kinda job just to pacify them. Doesn't have to be a job you get any satisfaction from (but a gratifying one would be ideal) which makes it easy to walk away from it when it gets too boring / opressive / demanding. My friend worked for Pathmark - worked her way up to bagger, woohah, - but got benefits (medical, time off) after putting in just (20) hours a week.
I know, but you're not gonna make a career out of it....
And any kinda job, menial or otherwise, will get you into a social interaction with people, which is always good, unless you're a committed hermit (don't think you're quite that committed).
-o-
Oh, and you really, REALLY, don't look ridiculous - mom is overreacting.
Rage happens. I just think that without the testosterone component, it tends to happen more out of the blue and is surprising. Some study a wile back demonstrated that while women tend to display extreme anger less frequently, when they do, it's much more deadly - like say, throwing a steak knife at a husband.
But darling, you have all the reason in the world to be upset.
Please post again soon or write me to let me know you're okay - riftgirlblog@gmail.com. That last one was pretty heavy, and I worry. Thanks, Lily!
Life can really be a bitch sometimes, and I really feel sorry for what you have gone through. That said, I think you've made the right decision to move out. Brave, because it's not going to be easy compared to staying in your closet :-), but in the end it's the only way to achieve what you want in life.
I moved away from home when I was 18, and didn't exactly make all the right choices. I dropped out of college, lived in shared flats with a mixed bunch (including a few drug addicts/dealers), lived mostly on welfare and unemployment benefits when I didn't get temp jobs at Manpower, and didn't get a steady job until I turned 30. Still, in the end it turned out ok. I got some good job offers, managed to buy a flat and recently finished my education part-time. And I did it all by myself without much assistance from my family. But it would never have happened has I just stayed in my room reading comics and, for the right opportunity to come knocking.
Life is for making mistakes, because that's how we learn and grow. It's gonna be tough sometimes, but it's worth it for the good times. And I know you've got lots of good times ahead of you, girl. Give 'em hell!
Hang in there. Time changes things. My ex cheated on me, lied to the cops and threw me out, but I had to hang in because of the kids. 6 years later I'm having dinner at her house with her and her husband (not the fool around guy). Freakin' weird eh?
Regarding your feelings, rage or otherwise: trying to supress them doesn't always work. Just acknowledge them and they will pass. Just don't throw any steak knives.
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