Look, this is going to be one of those 'being a transsexual woman is soooooooo hard' kind of posts. I know I said I would be positive but I lied. Oh boy. Liar. Hoo...
Does anyone have an ego they could spare; specifically one that is not so fragile that anything can smash it into a zillion pieces on the floor? Cuz yeah... I could do with one of those this morning. It's not that I never have confidence or even that I don't feel grand on the inside; it's the outside that's a problem. You wanna quick return with me to last night to review before I pity party all over this piece? Sure, you do. Set the wayback machine, Mister Peabody.
Burlesque shows are pretty awesome. I say this in hindsight having put off going to see this group perform despite two friends of mine begging me to come see for months now. I relented last night because they had roped basically everyone I knew into attending. When I got there I discovered something shockingly good. First off I haven't seen some of these people in some time which means I hadn't really gotten around to enforcing the ol' gender pronoun switcheroo yet. Guess what? Someone sent out an email filling everyone in and it wasn't me. Imagine my surprise when, before I got the chance to say a word, everyone was just gendering me correctly. That was pretty darn swell. A small victory dance was done.
The show was super awesome amazing drake's cakes of joy. I mean I don't care about another girl's boobs but there's something very empowering about women of all shapes being totally confident in the beauty of their bodies and the power of their minds even when, perhaps, the dudes in the crowd are not thinking about said minds. They exuded a kind of power that I haven't felt inside of myself but, watching them, I was hopeful that one day I would. I'm not planning to be in a burlesque show by any means but, uh.... yeah. I'd like to feel confident enough to feel like parading around naked is an option without spectators oscillating between horking and laughing at me.
I'm digressing. The show ends, we leave, yada yada. It's late and one of my friends and I are still awake and we're talking about the sort of random things people talk about at four in the morning. I'm showing her a picture of my friend in England because she is so incredibly beautiful and I am jealous of her. We happen upon another picture on this girl's facebook (yeah, I know) of me from this past Christmas. My friend comments "I don't know what it is but you really do look so different." Okay. I was still in boy mode back in those days so this sounds promising... She continues: "because that's definitely a boy in this picture but now...". Yes, yes. Validate me! I was feeling really good and pretty tonight but I love validation. But then she says "I mean, no offense, you don't look like a girl BUT...". And you know what? The rest of that sentence? Yeah. It doesn't matter.
The most horrible thing that can be said has very nonchalantly fallen out of her mouth and I am wishing for sweet death to slit my throat and make this crappy miserable existence over. Why would anyone ever say such a thing? I had been so happy that whole night. I finally felt like things were falling into place. Nope! No matter how far I've come, no matter what has changed inside of me, I will always still look like a boy on the outside. Nice. Awesome. Fucking great. Thanks. Anyone want to donate to the "FFS for Lily because she has supreme DUDE face Fund"?
But it doesn't end there! Why should it? I was happy and I think we all know that's not allowed to happen. I go home, I sign online, and another friend who was at the burlesque show messages me immediately. She wants to talk about a musical thing, I now am desperate for validation like I am a validation vampire. I tell her what was said and, rather than having the decency to lie (is it that much to ask?) she instead more or less confirms the truth of my dude face and then proceeds to launch into a whole diatribe about how she thinks I am behaving too differently, that I have changed too much. The term 'dissociative identity disorder' rears it's ugly head. God forbid I feel confident enough to exude the femininity that long lurked within. No, it's the hormones. They've "changed me too much" and it's "not natural". Swell. Not only do I look like a dude but my feminine gender expression? It's a put on. And not just any put on. It's a wrap you in a straight jacket, put you in a padded room, and pump you full of anti-psychotics kind of put on.
Let me wax philosophical with you and have you ponder the following with me: What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Fuckity fuck fuck jujubees. I just want to be pretty and to be treated like I am a girl. Is it so much to ask from people who are supposed to be my friends?
So videos? Yeah. You won't be seeing any for a little while because I am overcome with shame of the way I look. I hope I'll get over this but words really hurt. They put me back in my place; mind, body, and soul.
P.S. and then my grandmother called and left a message just now telling me to stop being so ridiculous and go back to being a boy. Nice. When it rains, baby... well, you know the rest.
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I'm so sorry things happened the way they did! People who say that kind of thing don't deserve to be your friend. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with needing validation. Its not as if transitioning is such an easy process. Granted, I only know you through your blog, but I think you look fabulous!
Amanda
well I would love to try to validate you(sounds to sexuaul doesn't it especially from a guy) but I dont think it would mean much coming in the form of a blog comment.
But as far as a blogger, I think you have a wonderfully wicked sense of humor. You seem to posses a love of classic games. And your impish smile looks sweet. Fill your pants with some charmin while butt bouncing on your bed. while imagining your squishing out the naysayers. Works for me sometimes although I don't need much charmin.
It's not too much to ask. In fact, it's absolutely essential. The thing your friends (and my friends too) don't get is that validation isn't just something you would like...in some ways, it's the whole goal of transition. "Woman" is a social role - granted, one normally assigned to people of a certain biological makeup, but a social role nonetheless - and the point of transition is to accepted into that role. Validation is the metric for success. Being invalidated is being told that you are a failure, that you are unaccepted. That does not sound like a dynamic for friendship to me.
People always say: "Don't worry about what others think." Unfortunately, most of those people have never had to police their own identity 24/7. Most of them don't know what it's like to not fit into one of the two basic groups that everyone is supposed to be a part of. If we were islands unto ourselves, we would never have to transition. We could go harmoniously about our lives in the "man" role, secure in the knowledge that we were women even if no one else recognized it. But that's not real and it doesn't describe us.
I'm not sure how helpful any of this is. I've said these exact things to friends of my own, and they still don't grok it. Like you, I throw up my hands in despair and retreat to my blog. For what it's worth, I think you look gorgeous in your photos and videos...and I'm not just saying that. When other trannies are jealous of your look...well, that's a long (and perhaps shameful, though very real) metric of success within our community.
First of all, one of the first things I could think when I saw your youtube videos was "She looks gorgeous!". I especially like your eyes, and beautiful hair in that regard. You are also very intelligent.
In fact I'm rather jealous of your ability to express yourself in your youtube clips, and these blog posts so well.
In my opinion, if your friend cannot accept that you are a woman it doesn't sound like she knew you at all, and not to mention doesn't sound like a real friend.
I for one hope that you move past that wall of ignorance that is your friend, and we get to see the absolutely awesome Lilly(I hope I got this right).
I remember how I felt when my mother once told me that people would be afraid to see me on the street. For some reason, people see our transitions as somehow giving them permission to say ("it's for your own good," "this is just tough love," "the truth is the truth") the most outrageous things about us, as though we had given up all boundaries and all rights to ourselves. We apparently become objects to be commented on. The fact of the matter is that the "truth" usually is no more than their biased interpretation of you. No one else gets a vote on who you are and what you do with your life.
I look at your videos, and read your writings, and see nothing other than a woman.
Okay...here comes the fuck word...
Me too babe. Fuckity mother fucking fuck. I'm sitting here alone after my father in law just told my wife (who's in California while I'm here in Texas) that I look too feminine and am sinning; and that she should leave me and come live here in Texas with the kids in one of his other homes. How nice of a Christian, who doesn't believe in divorce (who's been married 3 times btw), and now wants his daughter to divorce me. I'm sure THAT's bibilical.
Yeah, leave your freakish husband. I told her I know where I stand with her family...I stand alone.
Hang in there baby. Being trans sucks balls most of the time.
From one woman to another you are beautiful, and I love your eyes! Don't stop making videos you have a lot to say and you're not only smart but have a wonderful sense of humor too. Some people are afraid of change so instead of feeling bad about yourself help educate them. A little knowledge can go a long way towards acceptance.
And always remember that you Rock!! :-)
i forgot to add that you are WAY more beautiful and attractive than I am, and if I can do videos, you can too. I've done videos for more than a year now under my old username, and all I have to say is that you have probably been amazed at how helpful you are to others by putting your face out there. I subscribed to your videos and blogs for just that reason. I think you inspire. Keep it up darlin'.
When I saw your curls the other day, I was like... well, I don't want to say "seething with jealousy," but... Also, the friend thing... I think what you may be experiencing right now is that transitional stage when everyone around you - and especially those who are closest to you - are all being reactive to the loss of a person they cared about. And you're viewed as a kind of villain in all of it.
I went through it, and know others who did as well. And it totally sucks. But one day, Lily, and if they're worthwhile and stick around, they'll come to know the real you... and memories of the past will just be the past.
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