post, belated

So even though most of you have likely already partaken of the most recent episode of the Tranny Hermit, I am going to post it here anyway because, hey, why not? Here you go:



I mention in this video that I've been feeling much better emotionally, but I have kind of been glossing over certain physical issues that have been going on. I really don't want to talk about those in video format so I figure, hey, that's what blogging is for, right?

I don't know if I've ever said this but, if you're young and confused, don't transition the way I've been doing it. I are not smart. Before I get into what's plaguing me these days, please allow me to give you a little background. I know there's an overall assumption that transition is very new to me. The truth is, I have been taking hormones in drips and drabs for nearly three years now. You might be thinking to yourself "Who takes hormones but doesn't actually transition?" That, uh, that would be me. Yeah. Have I mentioned how stupid I am? Moving on.

While I'm no fan of the gatekeeper mentality, there are certain rules in place for a reason. For example, you should get a gender therapist. I don't have one of those and that is a big, big, HUGE mistake. It's not that I ever have any doubts that I'm a transsexual. The problems extend from two places. The first is that I've had no place to talk through all the feelings I've had and the second is that I have no access now to major surgery some of which I kind of need.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Lily... did you get your hormones from the internets?" and the answer to that, thankfully, is no. However I'm sure many of you would find it morally questionable that an endocrinologist would so freely dole out estrogen and testosterone blockers to anyone who shows up to their office. The real trouble is that my endo is... well, he can be sort of apathetic. Case in point: when premarin proved to be a little too rough on my body he switched me to a plant estrogen called Ogen. Let me give you a little insight: Ogen isn't worth shit. It did nothing for me other than probably damage the hell out of my innards and I took it for something like two and a half years. Also? I was supposed to get a shot every other week but, uh, I've been poor in my life and my endo insists on being the one to inject me. So, yeah. I only got a shot once every other month or so.

Bad. Not good. The physical changes were minimal, I had no emotional way of reaching out, and so I damaged my body and mind. I wasn't transitioning either. Not even a little bit. Was I insane? I guess, kinda, yeah, although I think "stupid moron" fits the bill a bit better.

Fast forward to January '08 and I finally thought "Maybe I should start taking this seriously". I went back on the premarin, got my biweekly shots, and tagged on some flutamide for those hard to reach testosterone areas. I start to actually transition publicly, tell some of my family what's going on, come up with a new name, switch the pronouns, yada yada. Party. Except there's this problem. Physically, I look identical to my grandmother. I mean I am like a carbon copy of her which is swell except for the fact that she has had cancer on more than one occasion.

So, as the months pass, I think to myself "Self, maybe this is fucking dangerous what I'm doing here". I pushed passed those thoughts though because, honestly, my hypochondria can be kind of epic. But then it started. The random discomfort like my body was achey but in very concentrated areas. It started on my side but eventually I started to notice it all along my lower body. Some days it's been difficult to walk. This week I noticed the discomfort in my stomach and I can feel a lump there. There are lumps in a few places on my body. I mentioned the discomfort on my side a month or so back to my endo but he insisted it was all good in the tranny hood and not to worry about it.

I'm really worried though. What if I'm choc full o' tumors? I don't mean to say it so nonchalantly but, fuck dudes, I seriously do not want to die. If I'd been to a therapist I could talk to them about it but instead all I have is Captain Whatever the endocrinologist who thinks I'm fine. I'll be seeing him on Monday and I'm going to bring it up again.

I don't mean to worry people but I am just a little panicked about this situation. I try to keep it out of my mind but it's hard. If only I'd had a gender therapist I could have had an orchiectomy by now instead of pumping myself full of pills putting myself at risk. Oye. I apologize. I literally have no place else to vent this. My mother has literally said that if I die then it's my own damned fault so I'm kind of facing the potential consequences alone.

Sigh... at least Buffyfest is this weekend. Hopefully I can distract myself until Monday. I'll keep you all updated as soon as I figure out more.