In a way I realize I could very well continue taking hormones and blockers as I once did and ignore the doctors. It's my body I'm listening to though and it's telling me in no uncertain terms that it desperately wants to be healthy and that the fastest way to health is by forgoing any unnecessary stress. It's no secret that the pills I took put great strain on me physically. It's also no secret that living in a house of judgment has had probably as much physical detriment as it does mental. Oh yeah, I have no money and the economy is collapsing. What's a girl trapped in the body of a very sexy man to do?
I had a job interview that I had to cancel. I was so excited when I got this seemingly random call shortly after posting my resume to hotjobs. Shortly afterward though I realized, thankfully, that the offer was too good to be true. A quick bit of research uncovered some very shady business practices and so, with heavy heart, I realized this was no opportunity at all.
I bought a new suit for interviews. I can tell you that was very depressing but, let's face it, no one's hiring this hot tranny mess unless she stuff herself into a suit and plays male for a while. I have a renewed vigor though. Surprisingly part of said vigor stemmed from finding the perfect suit. It's a shame, really. For all my protestations, I know men's fashion. Maybe some day I will find a man to dress... and then promptly undress.
Anyway! I'm on a job hunting spree. If anyone in the New York area has some leads on anything let me know. I'm interested in switching to editorial or copyright work but I'm not against personal assistant or secretarial shenanigans to fill the time. I just want to do something I won't despise and wont' stress me out to the point of hospitalization.
The order of things is:
1) get job
2) move out
3) get back to the whole 'being a girl' thing.
It sucks that it's got to be in that order but, really, do you see an alternative? Seriously, if you do then please share it with me. Until then I'll just be taking pictures of myself in a new suit in my bathroom. Like so:
14 comments:
you no longer find me attractive or because the idea of returning to your former gender is too scary...
Well, I wasn't here because of your attractiveness, and I'm not trans so the second point doesn't apply to me either. And I'm sticking around because of your dry humor and because you're interesting and I care about what happens next in your life. Plus, you're in my RSS reader!
And you didn't cast me out entirely because of the Spuffy thing. :-)
Agreed, Khyri.
Lily, I'm glad to see you have a plan! And no, I don't see any other way right now, unless you've got a friend who'll let you bunk with them while you job-hunt. But if that were a possibility, I suspect you'd be on that couch already. I hope you would anyway.
Looking forward to whatever comes next...
Lily, I have been following you for a few months now and your words and heart are dear to me. I wish for your health to return ASAP so a beautiful young girl can continue her journey to a happy, healthy life. Keep that great sense of humor of yours and I'll be stopping by everyday to see how you are. Julia Mitchell
Hey, friends (even virtual ones who will never help you move) stick with you through the rough patches. I'm not claiming to be a friend. I'm not that presumptuous. But even strangers traveling down the same road will offer a hand when you stumble, to share the load when it's too heavy, or just a sympathetic ear when you need to talk.
It's what communities do. It all comes around, so we help when we can & lean when we must.
Your plan sounds pragmatic. It may feel like taking the long, unglamorous way to your goal, but it seems like the one most likely to get you there from here. Stay true to yourself & do what you must.
Glad to see your health & energy seem to be coming back. That's the foundation for everything.
Lily,
Best of luck on the job search. Perhaps you might look into a staff job at a local college or university? They usually have very good diversity support and protections, and people working there are likely to be more supportive when you're ready to restart your transition.
Anyways, we all know you'll succeed - it's just a matter of time.
Peace and harmony,
Dana
Fierce.
Holy crap hon you're just firing on all cylinders. At this point I'm sticking around for the pure pick-up-and-kick-assery of it all.
I was just hanging around for your acerbic wit, so if you're now going to act all serious and grown-up I'm outta here.
Suits on girls can be quite stylish though. Or maybe I just have a crush on Shane from The L Word.
It was your words elsewhere that drew me to follow you home, and as Khyri said, I'm not trans, so you can count me out (or in?) on that point as well...
But you are going through something that not only no one deserves, but were you in so many other places in this world, that lack of a job (health insurance) wouldn't be nearly such an urgent thing! As you point out, stress only aggravates all of this, and you have more than enough of it on more than enough fronts for several people.
So, with worrying being one of the few things on this Earth I'm truly good at, you'll just have to put up with me hanging around and doing just that until all is well with you!
Once you check #1 & #2 off that list, perhaps there are some vitamins that can help ease the stress of the other things on your system? I know that none of us in this world ever eat "right" anymore, and they seem to help me a lot with the things I keep doing to myself...
alan
Honey,
You're always one of us. That's in the mind, not in the blood chemicals. the same could happen to any one of us at any time.
And no, attractiveness too is in the head and the heart, not how you dress. I'll be continuing to visit too, just keep writing.
feel free to email me, or visit my blog on OpenDiary at
http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D561988
take care.
{{hugs}}
-Jude
A cool person is a cool person no matter how you dress. I never met you and most likely will never meet you. But your funny, got a certain sparkle in your eye, and your a caring person. A bit of a voyeur though with your time traveling abilities and ginormous sneaky scope. You will be having more adventures soon.
Hi Lily,
Good on your plans! Well, like khyri and alan before me, I am not trans either - I just think you're cool and that you radiate light somehow - I am drawn to that (and your dry humor and ability to communicate profound things).
Rock on with whatever you need to do for yourself, it's good to see you feeling a bit better...
Andrea
You do, of course, realize that it's a bit hard to completely hide what the HRT has changed on your face and body? :-)
I agree with what Judith said, that you'll always be one of us, because it is the inner you that shines through, even with the coat and tie! Actually, that outfit is a bit sexy, with your "chest development" showing through a bit! :-)
"quel dommage" indeed. Que sera sera. I'm hanging around cos you make me laugh.
Good plan.
You'll always be one of us *evil laughter*
Good luck with the job hunting.
I'm still here reading you, grrl!
And I'm not going anywhere.
BTW, that pic actually looks pretty good.. Girls can look really hot in male clothing! You may not realize it right now, but I certainly do! ;-)
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