Oh jeez.
So, hey. Remember when I was talking about how badly I need a job like a zillion times on this blog? Right. Of course you do. Well there's two new wrinkles in that situation and I don't know what to do. In other words, I need insight. Let me give you a little back story.
I haven't worked in nearly a year. The last job I had I, uh, was not the nicest person in the world. I'm totally anti authority in a way you thought only a teenager could be. Also: you know how there's a process to transitioning at work? Yeah... I didn't bother with that. I just sort of started telling people a few at a time and then I just started presenting however the hell I wanted from day to day. Yup. I'm crazy. AND stupid. Just as a fun aside: my father also worked in the same office as me and had no idea what I was doing. My father is delusional and, to be fair, I am a bit duplicitous and sneaky.
Anyway. You already know what my year has consisted of. Between the lousy job market, the multitude of permanent physical conditions I've gained, and sheer laziness I haven't gotten any work. Finally, now that I've been feeling healthier, I stepped up my job search. It took one day to realize the new bump in the road: absolutely no one from my former company will give me a recommendation. I have zero professional recommendations I can get. NONE. ZILCH. It's a big problem. I was completely devil may care about the trans thing, basically said "Go fuck yourself if you don't like it" and now I'm paying the consequences. I haven't worked for too many other people in my life. I was a personal assistant but my boss lives in Florida now and I haven't talked to her in ages. Prior to that I worked for a bit of a scam telemarketing company and before that did a whole mess of retail. It's not exactly a shiny resume, is it?
It's not what you know, it's who you know. Except, I don't know anyone and everyone who knows me thinks I am a) an asshole and b) a crazy person. I can't say I blame them. It's not like those are not the first two descriptive adjectives that spring to mind when I think of myself. I do have friends though but, ah, then comes the next wrinkle.
A good friend of mine said she could get me some work as an assistant where she is working which would mean, gasp, a job in the fashion industry. I know, right? How cool. I would love to get into that but there's a problem. You see my friend has connections to the man who deals with the hiring. She has a big mouth (like me) and has talked about me on many occasions. When she asked about my getting this particular job he immediately got defensive. I don't want you to be surprised but he didn't want to stick his neck out for the tranny. I know. SO hard to believe.
I could get this job. It's not a lock but I have a shot. The problem is that I can't transition at this job. EVER. It would mean screwing over the guy who would be sticking his neck out for me based solely on my friend's recommendation and it would also cause problems for said friend.
I'm of two minds on the matter. The first mind says that the job market is a horror and that sacrifices have to be made. My other mind is screaming expletives because, frankly, this is bullshit. I mean it's the fashion industry. How did I stumble upon a conservative, Jewish fashion company? HOW!?!? There is no gayer institution than fashion. Bah.
I'm sending my resume along. What else can I do? I'm painted into a corner. I guess what I'm really asking is: How am I supposed to go back to being a man full time again? I make a lot of jokes about what a good looking mister I make (and, fair play, I am the hotness) but this is killing me. My hair started falling out again. I'm all angular and hard looking. Dude, this sucks. I was all soft and girly for a little while there.
It's either be a dude with a job or be a homeless tranny. These are the choices I get in my life. Fuck this world. Fuck it hard, fuck it bloody, and fuck it till it's dead then fuck it's corpse a while longer. Sorry, did I say that last part out loud? Not very lady like at all of me...
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10 comments:
Well that was like reading a semester's worth of crib notes for Self-Sabotage 101.
I'm too exhausted for witticisms or sarcasm. I'm just going to be blunt. Know that I am saying all the following with compassion and care. Some call this tough love. I call it unleashing the inner bitch.
Before I start though: congrats on creating this opportunity. You've really been kicking ass lately.
With that said -
Stop tying yourself in knots by fortune-telling and mind-reading.
Get the job. *Then* start thinking about how to transition at it. *Then* consider your friend and the employer. It's that simple. Your friend knows you will transition again. Your employers will cope, because you'll do it "right" this time. Maybe neither will care anyway. You don't know. Stop kidding yourself that you know everything.
You might not get the job. If you don't, you'll be glad you didn't waste time worrying about how to transition there.
If you don't get the job, something else will happen. Maybe you'll call your old boss in Florida and she'll give you a reference. Maybe you'll ask your dad to get one of his friends to give you a reference as a favor to him. It'll be fine. You'll get something.
I'm sorry I couldn't express this in a more entertaining or compassionate way. You wouldn't believe the 72 hours I've just had.
But I had to remind you that you are smart, you are sickeningly likable, and you are going to be fine, if you just let go of the idea that you might not be.
Because frankly I'm too sleep deprived just now to deal with you pulling out the rug from under your own feet when you've been doing so well.
And for God's sake write to me. What the hell is wrong with you that you haven't done this yet?
To add to Jamie's sound words- just because you get that job doesn't mean you have to stay there! It could just be a door that leads to another one that is much more suited (ahem) to you...
Life is a strange animal sometimes; you have to have a job to get a job is just one of those strangosities!
To end up feeling like you stated in that last sentence isn't unusual for anyone in this world!
alan
Forever is long time, btw. Never say never.
For instance, we may get lucky with Obama and see a fully inclusive ENDA passed in the next few years. Then you could transition anywhere you want, without fear of reprisal.
Step one seems to be getting the job. If you have to do it in guy mode, consider it another unpleasantry of working for the man. You worked retail, you know how you have to pretend to like or at least tolerate the most obnoxious customers... try to think of presenting as... well, maybe shoot for androgynous... as another way we let people deceive themselves into seeing what they want while we take their money & put it to our true purposes.
Once you're back on hormones, androgynous will be easier, and you can start networking. Make contacts, find allies who would let you take the next step and get a position where you CAN present as female. This job is one step along the path. It can get you started. Life is full of compromise & accommodation, as long as you get some of what you want, and move forward, it may be worth taking it slower than you'd prefer because at least you would be moving forward. The job could empower you to get your own place, reduce family stress and be free to be yourself 100% when you're away from work. It may not be ideal, but it might be bearable. Just one opinion.
It's unanimous then...try to get the fashion job and don't worry about your future with them. People quit all the time and there's nothing wrong with that (think of how easily people get fired). You didn't really say what dream job/industry you have in mind, but if you have no or very little experience in that vein, do not worry about your past. Make up something, embellish your past experience, intern, use a friend as your reference...whatevs, just get something that might lead toward your eventual goal. If you burned bridges in the industry you want to be in...idk, call in some favors, offer to intern for free, take people out to lunch, put a lot of effort into your new PR campaign. The most important thing is that you get some sort of job with health insurance and gtfo of your parent's house.
I think you should give retail another shot. Just about all of the larger stores explicitly protect gender identity.
Sears comes into mind, as that was my last employer before I left the states. I worked with three other trans girls there.
As for references, they hired me on the spot; I don't think they even ask about them!
Is it impossible for your father to pull some strings in the company? I know you're not on the best of terms, but seeing as it's a necessity for moving out he might have a selfish interest in helping you out.
I'm with alan and whoever else made the same kind of comment. See it as temporary. The idea that you need to present as male is bollocks, but you're dead right that you will have a terrible time job-hunting with no recommendation. At least you'd be making the sacrifice for your own long-term benefit. It's not optimum, but if you do well enough to earn a recommendation then it might be worth it. Bear in mind, though, you're probably looking at around six months minimum to make it meaningful on your resume.
On the plus side, it'll be experience in the fashion industry. That company might be conservative, but the industry as a whole has a wide spectrum of perspectives. Maybe with the recommendation it might be possible to find a job in the same industry but with a more open workplace.
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