I know I'm supposed to be honoring those we lost today and I am but I can't help but feel like I'm not even a part of this anymore. It's been months since I've been able to take anything HRT related. My beard grows in so thick again, my hair is falling out in clumps, and I've aged about a decade. I don't feel like I'm part of this community. Hell, I don't even feel like I'm alive anymore. I tried to take the flutamide just to block the testosterone and now my kidneys are mysteriously messed up. Why? Wasn't being trans bad enough? What the hell? Now I can't even do anything about it. I can't even get a job to save my life.
I'm just waiting to die. I'm angry and I'm tired and miserable beyond anything I ever thought was imaginable. I lost everything. I just wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I've got a life sentence with no parole. That's it. Blog's done. I have absolutely nothing left to say that isn't violently furious or pathetically depressing. If you see me on the street do us all a favor and put one right between my eyes, alright? The world will be better off and I won't have to spend another second feeling this way.
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7 comments:
Vent, bitch all you need to. Scream, kick, get it out. I hope you're not done here. If you choose to reach out again, we'll be here, just as frustrated as you feel.
If all you have to say is violently furious or pathetically depressing, then that's what we want to hear. This stuff has to be vented out hon, otherwise that's what will really kill you.
Life screwed us all over, so as much as you feel alone, you really aren't. You've got a friend in me, don't you forget that.
You are more apart of this today than you have ever been.
"If I could change the world in one way, what would it be? I have a friend who is really really sick and I would make her well. I know, that's kind of blowing it all on one person... I should wish for world peace... but you know what? I don't care about the world, I care about my friend and I want her to get better." (projectdan)
Ditto.
I'm with the everyone else here. Shake your fist at the sky, cry, or if the testosterone wins out just scream "Kaaaaahn!". It's all ok. It wouldn't hurt so much if it didn't still matter. It sucks. But you will get through this. And your friends will be with you through it all. Do what you feel you must to deal with this situation. When you're ready to come back, we'll be here.
Please say what you need to! If you don't want to do it here, my e-mail is on my profile and you are always welcome to use it! You are far too wonderful and valuable a person to just give up or give up on!
alan
Its a while now that you stopped blogging. I never dropped you of my blogroll in my blog, because I hope you will start again. If the only thing you can think of to blog are rants, please do them. Its so freeing as I know from experience.
Greetings, Sarah
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